Vulnerability

"As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, event to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection - to be the person whom we long to be - we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen."

This was the lead off in Chapter 4 of Dr. Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. I was doing a little light reading (ha!) by the pool one day this week while I was actually watching some action unfold between kids at the pool. Some kids exerting dominance, others withering away and trying to be invisible. My son was somewhere in between - wanting to hang with the "big kids" but also feeling a little shy, as that he's at least 3 years younger than most of the kids there. I literally watched as this unfolded while I was reading these words and it was impactful. I had to hold myself back from responding and putting my own stamp of influence on the situation.

(When feeling a little invisible, your sister will always see you.) ------------------------>

Especially as I have been struggling with my own vulnerability lately. Feelings of shame - "why haven't you accomplished x, y & z yet?!" "why didn't Project 1 work the first time?!" "You're such a failure and a fraud." I find myself wanting to be invisible. Which is very unlike me and quite hard for a tall, loud-mouthed girl like myself to accomplish. I've always longed to be heard and seen and lately, I've been wanting to evaporate. At least until I can get my sh*t together. Then I'll be ready and courageous and purposeful. Wait - really?!

Isn't that what being vulnerable is all about? We don't have to air all the dirty laundry and failures and sausage-making. But we do have to keep being vulnerable. Keep taking off the armor and putting down the weapons and showing up. Then we can allow ourselves to be seen. And if it's not always (or EVER!) perfect? Who is? Who cares?

So if for nobody else but my 7 year old son who is looking for that balance between invisibility and dominance, I will put that armor down and I will show up. I will not allow thoughts, emotions and behaviors to dictate how I feel about myself. For him. For me. For all of us.

Namaste.